Book Review: Intimacy by Ita O'Brien

This is a complicated book to review. There are several distinct strands to it, although they intermingle freely creating a confusing and disjointed thesis.

Ita O'Brien, it is fair to say, invented the role of "Intimacy Co-ordinator" on film and TV sets. You wouldn't expect an director to just shout "fight" at a pair of actors and expect them to know how to safely perform a complex action scene, would you? Fights need to be choreographed, the crew need to behave in a way that minimises the risk of harm to others, actors have to feel safe. Why should sex scenes be any different?

This is the strongest part of the book. It explains why Intimacy Co-ordination is necessary and how it is used to improve a show. At times it veers a little into a sale-pitch for her work, but it is balanced with just the right amount of celebrity name-dropping and impassioned reasoning to keep it interesting.

There are some brilliantly crafted exercises which are used to help actors feel comfortable working with each other. Working professionals need to be able to express clear boundaries to each other. Communication is key, but it relies on being able to be honest with each other. As O'Brien puts it:

being able to state your ‘no’, means that your ‘yes’ can be trusted.

The author takes great pains to tell us that she's not a sex therapist, yet a large part of the book is taken up with how non-actors can improve their intimacy with their lovers. Some of our modern hang-ups, she asserts, are directly a result of unrealistic expectations hammered home by the entertainment industry:

A couple meet and then it cuts to a sex scene, as if their physical relationship is separate from every other aspect of their lives. We’ve become accustomed to seeing portrayals of sex that are robotic, athletic, gratuitous. It’s rare to see the kind of relationships we’ve all experienced in real life: an expression of connection that is clumsy, awkward, funny and – hopefully – ultimately satisfying.

Again, this is all important and interesting stuff. But then things go a bit off the rails.

Lots of the exercises she presents for non-actors are simply about stretching and general body-work. Her background in Movement Studies dominates the page. I understand that being in touch with your physicality is a necessary part of exploring your sexual boundaries, but it feels like it overly focuses on one aspect of self-comfort.

Anyone who has worked with actors know that they're a weird and superstitious bunch. Visualisation techniques often ask you to imagine you're a tree, or that a bright light is shining out of you, or that you have extra-sensory perception. If you're not an actor, being thrown in to some of these routines can feel alienating and jarring. You thought you were here to get intimate? No! Pretend you have energy lines flowing through you!

Sadly, it all goes a bit "woo". There's nonsense about chakras, homeopathy, "how overtones have the power to affect consciousness and the cellular level", and pseudoscientific claptrap about walking barefoot so the "electrons transfer to your body, neutralising the positively charged free radicals".

I felt that it undermined the seriousness of her work. And it is serious. People working in the entertainment industry need to be protected from harm. People in relationships need to find ways to be free and intimate with each other.

There's a lot of great stuff in here, but you'll need to assert your boundaries and skip past the bits which aren't appropriate for you.